I felt anger. When my uncle died, when he died so quickly, so suddenly, and he was so close to me, I just got angry. I couldn’t cry. It’s sick, but I wanted to screw, screw all night long. I feel so guilty that the night he died I just wanted sex.

WIFE

Grief is a natural response to the end of a bond that lasted long enough to leave one of its members intensely alone. It is a natural physical and emotional reaction to bereavement. It always involves protest of the loss followed by some form of surrender and, we hope, adjustment and resumption of personal and social growth and development. All of us have felt it, but little is written of the impact of grief on sexuality.

Any strong emotion results in alteration of body chemistry. The master organ, the brain, alters the entire neurohormonal system whenever we experience strong emotion, and grief is one of the strongest emotions possible. The couples reported that grief had a distinct and traceable impact on their intimacy patterns. Here were the most frequent patterns of the sexual impact of grief:

LUST REACTION: Although it may seem incompatible with grief, lust can result from loss. As if symbolically attempting to recreate, to produce, to generate at a time of absence, emptiness, and loneliness, some of the spouses reported a strong need for sexual release at the time of a death or other loss. The buildup of stress chemicals may play a role in this reaction, as does the excitation of sudden change and challenge to the life system. Sex may be one of the ways some persons attempt to discharge their grief and the toxicity of built-up tension and stress.

If there is a supporting partner available who understands this temporary state, this form of heightened sexual activity can be therapeutic. If the partner feels used or is critical of the bereave partner, breakdowns in communication and sexual distance can occur.

One of the seldom discussed dimensions of losing a spouse s the “lust response” that comes with psychophysiological shock ù the absence of any acceptable outlet for its expression. Bereaved spouses are as much as twice as likely to become ill themselves in the aftermath of their loss, and a part of such illness may come not only from life-style changes and other emotional consequences, but from sexual frustration and related guilt.

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