Mutualized touching and holding Balance of sexual needs Intimacy in all areas of marriage

Marital health: is your relationship “bond” or “attachment”?

Attachment

Immature, dependent Spontaneous

One partner does most of the touching and holding

One partner experiences more sexual needs

Intimacy only in sexual area

Bond

Mature, interdependent

Intentional

Mutulized touching and holding

Balance of sexual needs

Intimacy in all areas of marriage

Here’s an example of a bonding relationship, of a couple integrating sex and love:

We worked on it. It didn’t just come. At first I never thought we would necessarily end up together. I mean, we hit it off, but it wasn’t near as intense as some of my other relationships, particularly not what it was with my first longtime boyfriend. But it changed over time. We just seemed to move closer, talked it out. He had to be coached into hand-holding, but he loves it now, too. We really are together. I couldn’t tell you who starts each sexual encounter. It just happens. We don’t take each other for granted, but we are relaxed about us.

WIFE

1 know what she means, but then, I always seem to know what she means and she knows what I mean, and that is what I mean by how our relationship is.

HUSBAND

Here is an example of an “attachment” relationship:

I support her in her career and she essentially takes care of me. I know just how to please her, to take care of her in everything, including sex. I need her and she needs me. It’s more like she is the provider and I take care of the house. I can tell when she needs sex and she is never disappointed. I can tell you that she would never be able to have her life this way without me. I am really perfect for her. … I meet her every need. Her wish is my command. It’s just how our relationship works.

HUSBAND

He is my life, my support, my everything. He is just what I need sexually, too.

WIFE

In the second example, it is clear that an automatic, strongly patterned, dependent relationship exists, with sex tending to be onesided and separate from marital life, almost one item on a list of chores, divided out from total intimacy. The husband’s description does not refer to his own sexual needs, or any of his own needs for the matter. The wife accepts this role, attached both to her husband and to the pattern of their marriage. Attachment works and can keep spouses together, but not together for a super sex marriage, the bond of a growing and adapting love system.

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